. . . . . Wedding announcements have been arriving in our mailbox at a steady clip for the past several weeks.  As we look at these beautiful young couples our hearts fill with hope that theirs will be a joyful and lasting marriage. We wonder, what are their parents telling them to help prepare them for this most important step of their lives?  We suspect that most parents do a pretty good job of this, but in case you’re not quite sure what to say here are a few suggestions to consider.  As you read these suggestions take a moment and apply them to your own marriage. It’s a proven fact, all marriages need continual refreshing.

15 Suggestions for your marriage chat:

1. Marriage is a lasting commitment that takes work. Let your son or daughter know that there may be days when they will wonder if they made the right choice, that someone else might be easier to live with. Tell them about your own struggles as you learned to live together and accept each other’s idiosyncracies.  They need to know that marriage isn’t easy and there will be some difficult days as they adjust to each other, but it will all be worth it as they work together to solve problems. All of their family and friends who wish them well are counting on them to make this a lasting marriage. Their marriage doesn’t just belong to them, it’s what makes society and families continue as the Lord intended. That’s why people will be there to celebrate their marriage.

2. Cold feet and the jitters are normal and are not a sign for you to be a “runaway bride” or groom. As the time of the wedding draws near many brides and grooms are a little afraid — after all, it’s a huge decision. If they’ve taken the right steps in seeking a confirmation of the Spirit regarding their choice then that feeling can help them move forward as the wedding day approaches and the jitters set in.

Still, the option needs to be open to cancel the wedding if an overwhelming feeling of “this is not right” sets in. Your child should have the right to cancel the wedding without you putting undo pressure to move forward “because we have already spent so much money on invitations, the wedding gown, the flowers, etc.”  That’s a small price to pay if, in the end, this isn’t right for your child and she or he knows it. Just stand by them with loving support.

3. Teach them to be absolutely 100 percent true and faithful to each other after the wedding. They must not let their eyes, their imagination, or their affections wander to anyone else. Not ever! Satan tries his best to make married people think that someone else is more attractive, more ambitious, more religious, more caring, a better provider, and a myriad of other things than their own spouse is.  Don’t let him get even a tiny toe in that door. Don’t ever forget that you are married! Your time for looking is over. President David O. McKay used say, “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.”

4. That quote has more than one meaning.  It also means, close your eyes to the faults of your mate and focus on his or her good qualities instead. Teach your child that doing this will help her or his marriage grow stronger through the years. When positives are the focus, then positives grow. The opposite is also true: when negatives are the focus they will grow.  So tell them to see the good in their mate and compliment him or her for it, and ignore the rest.

5. Happiness in a person’s marriage depends upon them, not just on their spouse. Focus on making your spouse feel loved and cared for and stop thinking so much about what you want. Give your spouse what he or she wants and the natural consequence is that he or she will want to give you what you want. Selfishness sabotages marriage. Generosity, forgiveness, and compassion cause marriage to flourish.

6. Encourage them to stay out of debt.   Debt leads to despair and often caused friction and mistrust within a marriage. Many divorces occur over debt and misuse of money. For wise counsel on this subject, watch with them this Youtube message by President Gordon B. Hinckley: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iutD3YMcedc.

7. Allow your mate to grow. Don’t expect him or her to have the spiritual depth or talents that it took you, the parents, years of marriage to develop. Elder Richard G. Scott said, “You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you. These attributes are best polished together as husband and wife.”  (Ensign, May 1999, 26.) Becoming the perfect mate takes a lifetime of working together.  The good part is that it can be a lot of fun along the journey.

8. Help them understand that the wedding is just a one-day event, while the marriage is forever. That’s where the true focus must lie—on the marriage more than on the wedding. Keep the wedding plans in perspective, don’t go overboard and spend foolishly.  Let them know what you are able to do financially, and have that conversation as soon as you can so their heads don’t start spinning with out-of-control dreams of a wedding beyond their and your means.

9. Teach them to enjoy sexual intimacy as a married couple. When they’re married, it’s okay! You’ve taught your children modesty and sexual abstinence all their lives. That still applies when it come to anyone else, but not to each other once they’re married. President Spencer W. Kimball said, “There are many aspects to love in marriage, and sex is an important one. Just as married partners are not for others they are for each other. (“Miracle of Forgiveness” p. 73)

They need to feel comfortable about giving their sexual attentions freely to each other as married partners. They need to enjoy it and let it bless their marriage. There are many books out there to help them find sexual fulfillment in their marriage. Two good ones are “And They Were Not Ashamed” by Laura Brotherson and “The Act of Marriage” by Tim and Beverly LaHaye. Also, the longest chapter in our book “Love That Lasts” is devoted to the importance of enjoying sexual intimacy and how to make that happen.

10. Help them understand the value of continuing to have fun as a couple.  Have date nights, even if it’s just out for an ice cream cone, if that’s all they can afford. It’s important to spend some time together enjoying a walk, a picnic, a movie, dinner out, whatever they both enjoy doing. Make this a habit that will last throughout their lifetime, even when kids enter the picture. Especially then.  It will keep their marriage strong and fun.

11. Let them know that any kind of spouse abuse in unacceptable. They are to let you know if that ever happens to them. You will help them. It must not be allowed. Make it clear that they must never be the instigator of any kind of abuse. Never!

12.  Teach them the value of prayer as a couple. Encourage them to take each other by the hand and pray together every day. While serving in the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Elder Gordon B. Hinckley counseled, “I know of no single practice that will have a more salutary effect upon your lives than the practice of kneeling together as you begin and close each day. Somehow the little storms that seem to afflict every marriage are dissipated when, kneeling before the Lord, you thank him for one another, in the presence of one another, and then together invoke his blessings upon your lives, your home, your loved ones, and your dreams.

“God then will be your partner, and your daily conversations with him will bring peace into your hearts and a joy into your lives that can come from no other source. Your companionship will sweeten through the years; your love will strengthen. Your appreciation for one another will grow” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1971, 83; or Ensign, June 1971, 72).

13. Remind them that bringing children into the world is part of their responsibility as a married couple. And that’s not just a selfish thought because you want grandchildren to love and spoil…okay, that’s part of it.  But the real reason is that the Lord is counting on them to bring His spirit children into the world. These children will present challenges, but will be a great source of joy and comfort to them throughout their lives.

14. Encourage them to create a loving relationship with their in-laws. They may need permission from you to call their mother and father-in-law “Mom” and  “Dad”, and assure them that you won’t be offended by this.  It’s one way to show respect and to honor them. At least, suggest they approach this subject with the in-laws right away.

15. Assure them that when they marry they will become a new family, connected but separate from your family. Assure them that you will stay out of their marriage. If they need your counsel they need to ask for it. Otherwise, you won’t be in their lives telling them what to do.  This is their marriage, not yours.  Be sure they understand that they’ll always have your love and prayers, and that you trust them to make good decisions for their own new family unit.

End your discussion by asking if there is anything he or she would like to ask you.  Don’t make fun of any question or comment made. Help them feel comfortable in asking whatever may be on their minds.  End with an assuring hug and “We love you, and are proud of you.”

Our books “Love That Lasts”, which teaches the 14 secrets to a joyful, passionate, and fulfilling marriage, and “Meeting Amazing Grace”, a novel that teaches how to have happy in-law relationships, may be helpful.

With unemployment rates nearing double-digits and the federal budget deficit soaring to an unsustainable $1.47 trillion, millions of American families are facing the potential of enormous tax increases at a time when they least can afford it.

A preliminary report, just released by the nonpartisan Joint Committee on Taxation (JCT), said that families will actually bear the brunt of the “tax tsunami” should the 2001 and 2003 tax cuts expire at the end of this year.

Among the most significant family-related tax increases, the JCT found that:

•  The child tax credit will be cut in half, from $1,000 to $500 per child, costing 31 million families an average of $1,033 in higher taxes next year.

•  The standard deduction will no longer be doubled for married couples relative to the single level and the 15 percent bracket will be reinstated, costing 35 million married couples an average of $595 in higher taxes in 2011.

•  The 10 percent bracket will be eliminated, raising the lowest tax rate to 15 percent, costing 88 million taxpayers an average of $503 in higher taxes next year. The next lowest bracket — 25 percent — will rise to 28 percent, and the old 28 percent bracket will be 31 percent.  At the higher end, the 33 percent bracket is pushed to 36 percent and the 35 percent bracket becomes 39.6 percent.

Many other cuts from the Bush administration are set to disappear and a new set of taxes will materialize.  The left leaning Center for American Progress argues that the tax increases will go mostly to the wealthiest 5%, but it’s not just the rich who will pay.  Unless Congress acts to extend the tax cuts, everyone’s taxes on personal income, capital gains and dividends will rise. Married couples will see their taxes rise even higher, as will families with children.  The Tax Foundation indicated that a typical married couple with two children under 17, earning $45,000 a year would pay approximately $3,002 more in taxes next year should Congress fail to act.

Tax Foundation president Scott Hodge said, “I’m hard pressed to think of another moment in the history of the tax code in which we have had so many provisions expire at the same time impacting so many Americans all at once.”

For sixty-five years after World War II, Europe and America have pursued different economic models, and accordingly, moved in different economic directions.  The American model has been low tax, low spending and small government. We have favored growth and individual responsibility. The European model is high tax, high spending and big government.  It has favored fairness and equality.  As a consequence, Europe has had unemployment rates that are double those of the United States, often hovering around 10 percent or more.  Now that is no longer the case. Given the recent economic policies, the U.S. unemployment rates are now surpassing Europe’s.

The 2001 and 2003 tax cuts stimulated growth and got us out of a recession.  Congress now has a unique opportunity to recognize the importance of marriage and family with actions that will help American families when they need it most.

Wondering what this means for you and your family?  The Tax Foundation has created an income tax calculator website for families to verify just how much the tax-cut repeal will really affect their bottom line.  Go to www.mytaxburden.org

Call to Action:

Unless Congress acts soon, you will see a massive tax hike on you and your family come Dec 31st, 2010.  Tell your Senators and Congressman that you want the 2001 and 2003 tax cuts to be extended.

Senate and House switchboard:  (202) 224-3121
or

Email your Congressman by going to: https://writerep.house.gov/writerep/welcome.shtml

Email your Senator by going to: http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm

Spencer Anderson is the executive director of Family Leader Foundation and Family Leader Network

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Gary and Joy Lundberg will be presenting inspiring and fun presentations on sea days.

Experience the majestic glaciers, savor unique glimpses of marine and forest animals, and marvel at the sterling Alaskan coastline. Join us on our optional private tours.

For details

by Gary Lundberg  . . . .

“Oh, dear Lord, give me wisdom in deciding what to do.” How often have each of us silently prayed these words or ones similar to this? Most of us want to do what is best and know in our hearts that we need help beyond our own capabilities.

I have pondered this desire for wisdom and asked myself, “What is wisdom and when do we get it?” Is there some magical time when we can say, “I now have wisdom”? My mind went to the story of King Solomon, the son of David and Bathsheba, and how he was known for his great wisdom. I reviewed the scriptures around his being anointed king and realized he was about age twelve, which gave me new insight concerning his discussion with the Lord. When he said that he was “but a little child” now makes sense. Here is his conversation with the Lord and the answer he received:

I found a similarity in this definition and the request of Solomon. Solomon requested to be able to discern between good and evil and this definition states the knowledge of what is true and right coupled with judgment as to action with the application needed to live a good life.

There are three words that stick out in my mind: knowledge, understanding, and wisdom. How do these fit together in the process of living a good life? Knowledge is the search for the facts, the information surrounding our lives. Understanding is being able to get meaning out of the facts that lead to our reasoning and developing principles to guide us. Wisdom is the application of principles that leads us to action, knowing what to do next. This becomes a process that needs to flow from one step to the next with the result of bringing peace. Maybe this could give us a clue to pray for an understanding heart to be able to see and hear the wisdom from the Lord.

Learning from a Man Much Younger

I first met Earl Kaufman when I served as bishop to a freshman ward at Brigham Young University. After our first sacrament meeting, I was able to shake the hand of each of the ward members. As the numbers thinned out there were two young men waiting, and they came up and one introduced himself as a ward member. The other said his name was Earl and that he was this man’s friend, and wanted permission to attend our ward even though he was not a member of the Church. I told them they were both welcome. These two men were football players and Earl was the place kicker for the team.

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As a young child, I loved the primary song, “Oh What Do You Do in the Summertime?” As I sang each verse to the energetic but relaxed tempo of the music, the lyrics fired my imagination with the possibilities for summer fun. Inspired by the words, I was sure I would use the lazy days of summer to dream on the banks as I watched the clouds go by, swim in a pool to keep myself cool, drink lemonades and count all the stars in the sky.  And, as it turns out, I did all of those things and more.

I cannot recall any sense of being bored in my childhood when, after I finished my chores on a summer morning, there were perhaps hours of unscheduled time stretched before me. There was no question of what on earth I would do with my day. Rather, the question I faced on a given day was which fun thing to do first. And, as a result, most of my memories of childhood summers are composed of unstructured and unhurried fun, something I want my children to enjoy as well.

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A young mother living in Scotland, Amy King, had growing concerns about the questionable covers of newspapers and magazines to which her two children were being exposed.

One particular day, those concerns came to a head when Amy walked into the lobby of a service station garage. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing. There, in full display for her children and others to see, was a copy of the Daily Sport, a magazine with a cover photo that was not only inappropriate, but in Amy’s estimation, was pornographic.

She immediately spoke to the manager, who told her that the head office dictated where the newspapers were to be put. Amy next contacted the head office. She was assured that their newsstands would be replaced with stands that had frost-fronted covers so the offending magazine and newspaper covers would not be visible.

Sexually explicit magazine covers displayed at a child’s eye level. (We blacked one out)

However, the stands were never replaced, and when Amy asked about it, there was no response. Amy knew this wasn’t an isolated incident. With other concerned individuals, Amy began investigating the placement and content of sexually graphic publications and found that measures to protect children were woefully inadequate.

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